Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
