Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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