See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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