So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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