The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
