jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
