He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She told me I should be a condom model.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Pants are for mortals
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
