I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
