The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
