i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You took a bar mat shot.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
