White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize