You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
