thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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