your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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