I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
