dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
