So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
