oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
