Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
COCAINE IS GR8
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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