She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
