Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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