i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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