For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
