My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
