Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize