i was born a porn star she said
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
