He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize