The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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