I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
