We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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