Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
