I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
