Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
