dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
