Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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