Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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