It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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