My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
