mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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