i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
