I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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