Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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