I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
