you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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