i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
