there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
