WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
