i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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