So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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