she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
