Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
