Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
