Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
