No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i think i just lost a toe
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