her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
