i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
