Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
