omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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