i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
