can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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