peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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