Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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