I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
