I hate all girls vehemently.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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